joke time

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son.They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?". To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.""Oh I see.", replied the boy, pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and ask, "Why are there 3 in this package?"The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday.""Cool!" says the boy.
He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?""Those are for college men", the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.""WOW!" exclaimed the boy;"
Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men, One for January, one for February, one for March..."


An elderly couple was watching a show where a preacher wastalking about the healing powers of God."To all of those who are ailed by some sickness, place your hand on the screen & I will heal you!" the preacher exclaimed.The old lady, who was having some stomach problems, placed her hand on the top of the T.V. The old man placed his hand on the T.V. also, then stuck his hand deep into his pants. His wife looks over at him and says, "Gordon, the preacher is talking about healing the sick, not raising the dead!"


What's the difference between light and hard?
You can go to sleep with the light on.


An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. The Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result.He figured he'd crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that would sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."



A jew, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar.The bartender says "Is this a joke?"